Free telescopes to all, but only if you're able to stuff more than four Umpa Lumpas into your suitcase Magnify your teapot, extend it beyond itself, far above and beyond the most outlandish of kettles I'm looking for a tool, yes a tool, to shave a mule, so don't put all your alien eggs in one basket! Borrow parsnips from the neon nebuli, we could drill holes in petrified star fish and throw them in the sky, I'm not having any wonky donkeys marching through my kitchen trying to steal the garlic cloves from under my nose! I'm feeling trapped, like a bottle of Ribena that's fallen down a drain pipe! Ah yes, I see it, it's priced like a Persian cat placed in a coriander wrap I'm not bothered about ghost or ghouls, or being chopped to death by flying gardening tools Lost in the dumpling jungle with only carrots for company, do you have a pressure cooker, a pressure cooker, for cooking dumplings? The following program contains flashing lights and scenes of a bizarre mind-bending nature, if you don't suffer from epilepsy and have an aversion to normality you may enjoy this program! Conscious doubt severs intuition's flow Needless mistakes are made due to the interruptions of distractions Three thirsty horses drank all the water in the forest and things started to shrivel up and die A thousand horses passing through my mind, leaving behind them a trail of straw and chives Bright fluid words lost in the cold battlefield of money making The lack of convergence between spirituality, love and wealth If you were a sandwich monkey and you'd just choked on a duster would there be any point in electrifying a lemming? Cheese is a toxic paste squeezed from shaken cows! Metal detectors were once popular in the mid-nineties, but are now banished to the back of the cupboard. They stand alongside walking sticks belonging to deceased relatives. Would you like to live like a Tsar, carry Minis home in a jar, and be better at playing guitar, or would you like to fry a fish? A fish is an animal that's served on a plate, he won't give you food poisoning unless he's out of date The Television - The melancholy intensification device, from the pavement it can be seen emitting a warm ambient light as it projects distorted imagery into the mind voids of the many, whilst educating the few Do you ever fantasise about shovelling prawn linguini into a furnace? Better a blonde who's fond of Cacti than a brunette with a net chasing Magpies! If I were a politician, I'd ensure that legislation was put in place that made it illegal for horsebox tyres to be inflated with anything other than one-hundred-percent pure horse farts! There was a spider on the landing, in front of my bedroom door! I tried to grab it with the spider extraction device, but it was simply too big. Instead it tore the extraction device from my hand and started chasing me across the landing with it. It was at this point that I hailed the assistance of Henry, who appeared on the scene promptly and sucked up said spider, and carried it away in his dusty tummy pouch! The purple tentacle lives at the top of the eucalyptus tree, and only comes down when a stray tambourine is approaching. If the tambourine stops at the tree's trunk, the purple tentacle winds its way down, and taps a vigorous beat on the tambourine with its purple tip. This may last only a couple of minutes before the tambourine rolls on its way, and the purple tentacle returns to the top of the eucalyptus tree awaiting the arrival of another tambourine. All the Dragons reside in Wales; they were chased there by English firemen back in 1666 'Tee-hee' went the pillow case, 'They won't find me in here,' as it disappeared inside the duvet cover. The wise duvet cover looked on, 'Silly little pillow case!' it went, 'You know they'll always find you hiding inside me, I don't know why you bother.' If the world made sense, cranes would come from the Ukraine, and all gravel would be imported from Estonia! Just because you can't hear a weetabix screaming doesn't mean it isn't! You're most unlikely to find popcorn in a salamanders' belly. You'll never mend a broken horsebox with a plastic spanner. We always drown weetabix with milk to stop them screaming. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black... My dear pot, whilst it's true my handle, lid, and base are black, it's plain to see that I'm mostly silver stainless-steel, and therefore not black!
